Conservative Christmas Repartee

Boxing Day, 2011
Key West


My next door neighbor invited me over for cocktails and hors d'oeuvres Christmas evening. I'm not really big on a house full of strangers, but I decided to be polite and put in an appearance. After makings the obligatory intros and indulging in some excruciating small talk, I seized upon a flute of champagne and took a seat in a corner.

So here comes a couple and plops down next to me. He: about 75-lbs overweight, already with a Christmas snootful; introduces himself as Dave, head of the Key West Homeland Security unit. She: with an opaque German accent; introduces herself as Olga, head of in-house security at the Casa Marina - a local world-class destination resort, now owned by Waldorf-Astoria, built by robber baron Henry Flagler in 1919 as the southern terminus to his spectacularly ill-fated 'overseas railroad.' 

Opened on Christmas Day 1919, Key West's renowned Casa Marina grand hotel and resort was the investment of robber baron Henry Flagler, envisioned as the southern terminus to his Overseas Railroad which connected Key West to the Florida mainland in 1912. Ballyhooed as the Eighth Wonder of the World, Flagler conceived Key West as the nearest shipping port to the Panama Canal - an outlandish scheme that would never materialize. Alas, the railroad met a watery grave in the category five Labor Day Hurricane of 1932 - never to be restored to duty. The surviving viaducts were later sold to the state and provided the roadbed for the Overseas Highway, inaugurated in 1938.

 The following repartee is obviously paraphrased:

First words out of Dave's mouth: "You know Obama is the first president NOT to visit the troops on Christmas. News said he called one service member from each of the branches from Hawaii. Couldn't be bothered to interfere with his $7 million vacation. Just disgraceful."

Olga: "Ahhh, agleed; youst deesglaceful."

Shitepoke: (Thinking to myself this could be interesting; I'll probably never see these people again) "Well, I see we obviously have a couple of Republicans, huh? " (I chortle lightly.)

Dave: "Nope. I'm an INDEPENDENT," he lied.

Shitepoke: "Come'on, Dave. You know in communism, you get one party. In American democracy, you get two. You have to pick one. An 'independent' is just a loaded term for a low-information voter. I don't perceive you to be that," I lied.

Dave: "We don't live in a democracy, you know," he sort of snapped and then caught himself.

Olga: (nods with adoration)

Shitepoke: "Ah, the old constitutional republic. Just a habit of mine, referring to a political system where you actually get to vote on your representatives. As to Obama and the troops. I seem to recall he spent the better part of a day up at Fort Bragg last week, declaring the end of the Iraq War - where we spent a trillion dollars and lost 4,500 American lives - where he elaborately decorated and profusely thanked several heroes. I'd think that'd be a tad more important. WE don't like to use our troops for political props," bearing down on WE, our respective political identities firmly established.

Dave: "Yeah it's a damn shame Obama just cut and run. That Iraqi government will disintegrate in no time. Mark my word, grave mistake."

Shitepoke: "Oh I see; the only thing wrong with the Iraq War is we didn't stay there long enough. How much more borrowed money would you like to see us spend on that project? And by the way, tell me about this $7 million dollars Obama is spending in Hawaii. That sounds like a fine vacation, doesn't it? Where did you get that price tag. Don't think I've heard that one."

Dave: "Heard it on the news today. Disgraceful, what with the deficit and all."

Shitepoke: "What 'news,' Dave?"

Dave: "Fox News." (of course!)

Shitepoke: "Well you might want to check a less overtly politically biased source,  just for kicks."

Dave: "I'll have to say, Fox is the best overall source for unbiased news we have. A far cry from the Communist News Network. And that liberal cesspool MSNBC."

Shitepoke: "Dave. Dave. Have you really convinced yourself that Rupert Murdock's News Corp, at the helm of Roger Ailes, is really a source of unfiltered, un-propagandized news. By the way, what did Ailes do before Fox News?

Dave: (long ignorant pause) "Can't recall offhand. Who is he, now?"

Shitepoke: "Roger Ailes, president of Fox New cable network - campaign consultant to Nixon, Reagan, Bush 41, and Bush 43 - and former vice chairman of the Republican National Committee."

Dave: "Well, I'm sure the Communist News Network has more conflicting management than that," he nervously rejoined.

Shitepoke: "Well, Ken Jautz (CNN president) has hard career credentials - Cornell School of Journalism I believe -  with no overt political affiliations that I am aware of. Does it bother you that News Corp gave a million dollars to the Republican Governors Association and another million to the Republican National Committee? Does that sound like the source of an unbiased point of view?"

Dave: "I don't see how that affects the integrity of Fox."

Shitepoke: "Really? That's an interesting point of view, I'll have to say. Are you aware that according to at least two independent university surveys, Fox News viewers know less than those who don't watch any news at all?"

Dave: "I don't believe that," getting clearly testy now.

Shitepoke: "Give me your email and I'll forward the links."

Dave: "No thanks."

Olga: (as if on cue to change the subject and rescue Dave) "Vhat about dat see-tuation veed Obama's aunt - da vone veed no paasport?"

Shitepoke: (contemplating the suffocating irony of this stunt double for Brünnhilde in The Ring of the Nibelung - nattering about the status of someone else's - any one else's - U.S. residency.)

Dave: "Yeah. anyone else would have been deported. She's got a green card now and is up for citizenship in a couple of years. Nepotism of the worst kind. If she showed up on my watch list, I would have her deported in a minute, Obama be damned."

Shitepoke: "Oh you mean the aunt from Kenya - the half-sister of Obama's father? If I recall she came on a temporary visa around 2000 and applied for asylum shortly after. As I recall, her application is still under appeal - or at least it was. I would expect Obama would know her status, wouldn't you? Frankly, I haven't heard anything about her since the 2008 campaign - where it got practically no political traction. I'm glad she's a legal resident now. Ten or twelve years is a long time to work within the system. I'm sure you wish all undocumented immigrants were so respectful of the law."

Dave and Olga: (uncomfortably silent. Dave takes a king-sized gulp of his drink.)

Shitepoke: (changing the subject) "By the way, have you met Janet Napolitano?"

Dave: "No," he emphasizes, "I don't care for her at all."

Shitepoke: (sensing I was pushing the conversation to its testy limit) "Well that's not a very complimentary thing to say about your boss," I opined slightly sarcastically.

Dave: "She's NOT my boss."

Shitepoke: "Oh, I assumed you reported directly to her," as sarcastically as I could, realizing that I had hit paydirt in this exchange, "If I remember, she sailed through her confirmation hearings with practically no opposition. And look what you got in exchange: Governor Jan Brewer and the toughest immigration laws in the country. Sounds like a Republican twofer to me."

Dave: "What's your take on this 'Fast and Furious' scandal?"

Shitepoke: "I don't think I'm familiar with it," I lied, "Please excuse me while I mix a little. So good to meet you all. Merry Christmas."