More times than Richard III, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, affectionately known as the Chris-ti-saur, has turned down the 2012 GOP presidential crown. Yesterday he made it crystal clear: Nope. No way. No how. Cross my heart.
Christie bows out - or does he?
The fervor behind Christie from the GOP has been stunning, as when they behold the clown car of wannabes, they have a serious collective case of none of the above. Clabbered flavors of the month have included, Donald Trump, Tim Pawlenty, Haley Barbour, Mitch Daniels - you could go on and on. While buyers' remorse is not exactly the term of art - as nothing has been technically bought yet, the heir apparent is one Willard (Mitt) Romney - the only one that is not certifiably bat shit crazy or an insufferably transparent demagogue.
Republicans love Christie's lock-and-load bad boy in-your-face countenance. Just the antidote for the dreaded politically correct disorder. They'd just love to see him sucker punch Barack Hussein Obama. Blowie. Wham. Right in the kisser. But alas that ain't going to happen.
Christie raps on the crap he has to hear as governor.
The Teabaggers thought they had their messiah in Rick Perry, but outside the yeehaw nebula of the Lone Star State, he comes off as all hat and no cattle, or as Bill Maher put it: He's George W. Bush without the intellect.
Republicans have always longed to sanitize their institutional racism. For that, tokenism is everything: Find yourself a black face willing to dance for the corporate dime or the military industrial complex, wind him up, and presto you have a latter day Stepin Fetchit. Clarence Thomas and Colin Powell currently vie for the title for this distinction. Michal Steele had a run at it.
For that, Uncle Herman Cain is subsumed with getting in touch with his inner Lawn Jockey. Sell two pizza pies and the life boat is full. Worse than that, he'll hit his peeps over the head with the paddle. While it's just heartwarming to watch him shuck and jive to the tune of Bojangles, ain't no way he'll get the GOP nod. And today we have his real animus: he's taking a month off from the campaign trail for a book tour. Presidential candidate Herman Cain - right there on the book jacket creds. Can you spell s-e-l-f p-r-o-m-o-t-i-o-n?
Michele Bachmann is like a spent rocket - orbiting for re-entry back to the dullards of suburban Minneapolis who foisted her on the rest of us - and inflated her megalomaniacal ego - by voting her into congress in the first place. She'll be accompanied by her pray-away-the-gay closet queen hubby, where she will populate the footnotes of dark horse prexy trivia - as she so richly deserves.
Perennial flamethrower and serial monogamist Newt Gingrich comes off ever more like the pathological liar and moral flunky he has proven himself to be. As Maya Angelou famously opined: The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. GOP-ers are legendary slow learners, but alas even they have finally gotten his message. Even Newt's credit line with Tiffany's won't purchase this nomination.
The problem with libertarian Ron Paul is his consistency: no government, any time, any where: the classic Republican mantra - Government will never work and when we get elected we'll prove it to you. Then there's that little problem with civil liberties - just not the Teabaggers' cup of tea, you know. One wonders why Paul's drawn a government paycheck for the past umpteen years.
And lest we forget (god, I was really hoping to) Rick Man-on-Dog Santorum - the family values flaker made famous for his 2003 rambling repartee with an AP reporter:
Santorum: Every society in the history of man has upheld the institution of marriage as a bond between a man and a woman ... [T]he definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality —
AP: I'm sorry, I didn't think I was going to talk about "man on dog" with a United States senator, it's sort of freaking me out.
And newsflash 10/05/11 Sarah Palin officially throws in the towel for 2012. Oh my, what a surprise. I'm shocked; shocked I tell you. The transition from full-time media slut to front-running nobody may be a shock to her galactic ego (you betcha'), but with a net worth of some $10 million, she ain't done too bad for herself in three years. It's back to her white trash raising and her Pentacostal moorings. Todd! Todd! Where are are ya' First Dude? She's tried reality shows, but alas her reality is too far-fetched for even the Jerry Springer crowd. Buh-by Sarah. It's been real. Memo to John McCain: Next time the Heritage Foundation sponsors a cruise to Alaska, just say no.
So why does Christie not want to join the fray? The short answer: he has no temperament to pander to the Teabaggers, thank you - which is required for the primary gauntlet. Case in point, his extemporaneous screed against the party crazies on the Sharia Law hysteria.
Christie calls out Teabaggers and party crazies
So what's the Chris-ti-saur's gamit? The Veep spot. You watch it play out. Nothing to run for or against. No Teabaggers to suffer. No press to kick him around. Just sit back and wait until Tampa.
Memo to Joe Biden: bone up on your sez you rhetoric. You're gonna' need it for the veep debates.
Calhoun, GA
October 5, 2011
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